What to say when someone you love is in a coercive situation

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If someone you love is in an abusive group or relationship, it’s important to remember these Do’s and Don’t’s:

  • DON’T assume it’s because of something you’ve done wrong.
  • DO realize that this can happen to anyone.
  • DON’T tell them: “I think you’re in danger.”
  • DO tell them: “I want you to know that if you ever feel uneasy, you can call me.”
  • DON’T condemn or demonize the group or person, even if you’re sure your loved one is being manipulated.
  • DO ask them about their experiences, asking them to re-word their answers-which will stimulate independent thinking.
  • DON’T focus on discussion of the group/ relationship, especially if they don’t want to discuss it.
  • DO talk about happy times, shared memories, hobbies and things they enjoyed doing before they joined the group or got into the relationship.
  • DON’T give them cash or large checks that might be turned over to someone else.
  • DO give them phone cards or a ‘disposable’ cellphone with your number already programmed in.
  • DON’T turn your time with them into a nonstop discussion about the group or relationship.
  • DO make sure they feel relaxed, safe and welcome around you.
  • DON’T come across as if you know more about the group than they do, even if that is true.
  • DO ask them what they’ve learned, and how they feel it has benefited them.
  • DON’T keep talking about the group if the dialogue between you becomes tense.
  • DO shift gears and focus on more neutral subjects as a way to maintain a more comfortable connection.
  • DON’T feel you have to match your loved one’s serious tone.
  • DO act respectfully, but also show warmth and humor. Be reassuring, kind and interested. This will feel a lot more comfortable to your loved ones than the tense conversations they usually have with people in the group.
  • DON’T yell, argue, or get angry, or interrupt when they are speaking!
  • DO remain calm and keep asking questions.
  • DON’T deliver ultimatums (“it’s them or me”).
  • DO let them know that you will always be there to welcome them and listen to them, no matter what.
  • DO call them, write them, send them jokes, photographs of old friends and family pets, tell them that you love them. Even if you’re being shunned, they will know you’re thinking of them.
  • DON’T ever give up!


    For more ideas, watch Jon Atack, Family & Friends on YouTube